aren't we done, God?

for the last couple of days i have felt not like myself. almost like i don't know who i am. i haven't felt like i want to do anything at all, even though my house is a disaster and i should be cleaning it. i haven't been in the mood to play with my kids, am i the only one out there who feels like that sometimes. i have felt like my body is here, but my energy and thoughts and feelings are elsewhere and i don't know where they are. i feel like i can't make any decisions or have a clear focus, which is so totally frustrating. and all of these things add up to make me feel unproductive and then that leads to feeling rotten. i like feeling productive. i like accomplishing things.

so today, i have been trying to put a finger on why i might be feeling this way. i begun the day asking God to order my steps in His way. i have felt like my steps have been more like stumbles today. i am not sure what is going on with me. i think that there are two things going on. i think God is still not finished with me, He is still molding, shaping and changing all parts of me. i also think that i have so many emotions and thoughts put into so many of the areas of my life, mostly the ones He is working on - that i can not even think straight. i have no patience and i feel exhausted. i will start something and then stop - completely scatterbrained and even procrastinating on things. to top it all off, i am not feeling that great - i am fighting off a cold and it is winning right now. i think my feeling all these things was God trying to get my attention and by making me feel unproductive and not like myself He knows i will turn to him for direction and He knows He has my attention and then He will proceed to teach me or show me things I didn't know.

pretty much i have identified that God is working on me. He has been for quite some time. i don't mean to sound ungrateful, but aren't we done yet, God? i can not recall if i have posted using this analogy - if i have, hang in there with me. my friend, beth and i talked a few months ago about the analogy of the potter's hand. and how God basically will smash a piece of work, breaking it into pieces and then start over with a fresh new piece and begin to mold and shape it into His image, which is very different from the broken piece before it was smashed. by no means did i create this analogy on my own, i have heard it other times in my life. but it so applies to my life right now. a while ago i was soooo broken, i mean painfully and completely broken.

i was the piece that was broken and smashed and He started over with me. God has given me a new form and shape. but He isn't done with me yet. i wonder if He will ever be done with me. i think God is always at work in our lives, but sometimes i think He just has to work on smoothing out some rough edges. then there are other times when He has to break us and remake us. honestly, i am tired. i am ready to be smoothed over and not rebuilt. i probably shouldn't feel this way, i don't mean to be ungrateful. i am so excited about all that He is doing in soooo many areas of my life. but i am exhausted, physically, spiritually and emotionally. i want to feel settled. i want to feel like i know who i am. i don't feel like i even know myself. i have allowed God complete control and i don't know how i am going to react to or act on any decision. i have given up control. i love being in control, so this is so unlike me. i am just ready to know who i am again.

but for some reason, he isn't ready to be done with me, i am still very much a work in progress.