my throat hurts. i have raised my voice way too much this afternoon. my three kids have been on their worst behavior. they have been arguing and yelling at each other. they have been way too near me. i just want to run far away from the noise. i ask myself, why can't they just play together nicely, quietly, why??? i keep thinking if i was engaging them in some kind of activity or would have taken them outside to play this afternoon would have been much better. i begin to beat myself up - because i am not being the kind of mom i "could or should be", but never seem to be. i begin to think if only i did this better, if only i had a better strategy when it comes to this or if i was more planned this would be better... i think of all the things i am not doing and feel like i am unsuccessful, feel like a failure. i find myself frustrated and overwhelmed with everything that is not getting done. yet i haven't any energy to do it. none.
because afternoons and evenings are starting to become the hardest parts of the day for me, i find myself wanting to escape from my life as it is right now. escape from their bickering and loud noises. escape from that new transformer toy won't stop talking. i want to go somewhere quiet and just be by myself. i just want to do what i want to do - which is not tackle the huge pile of laundry, it is not to think about dinner, or even get my oldest son to start his homework.
i want to do what would be pleasing to me that would offer me some rest and relaxation. i dream of being able to be in a quiet room on a big cozy, comfy bed with the ocean outside and the sun shining. i am all alone, reading, writing, thinking, praying and sleeping!
i realize that this is just a far away dream as i snap back into reality -- i hear crying, unkind words and another noisy toy. i realize that this right here is my life, there is no dream vacation where i am alone and relaxing. there isn't a life of doing what i want to do. instead i am in survival mode. trying to get through the long afternoon of feeling discouraged, overwhelmed and unsuccessful.