clearly seeking Him...

ok, there is something that i haven't told you and i am ready to share...

the past six weeks have been a whirlwind around here. i have barely been able to come up for air. and i think i am ready to write about what has been taking my breath away.

do you remember when i wrote this? remember i told you not to ask me about homeschooling? it's ok for you to ask now, because i can give you a clear answer that i wasn't able to give before.

i feel like it was yesterday that i told you about my insecurities, fears and frustrations with homeschooling. things got a little better after writing that post and i was so encouraged by your comments, phone calls, texts and emails. i really felt like it was going to work for us.

but, um, well, it just hasn't.

it was really hard for me to admit that what i thought God had called me to do, wasn't what He was calling me to do anymore. does that make sense to you? it really didn't to me. i must say every once in awhile i still wonder if i heard Him right when He called me to do this. because why was i feeling like He was calling me to do something different already??

i was really struggling with homeschooling my older kids. they were being difficult, to say the least. and i felt like the little kids were suffering too. i just wasn't getting the balance and i felt like i was losing my mind and worse yet, losing myself. i kept trying and trying. i would wake up each day with a new outlook and then by the end of the day i was exhausted and miserable.

it just was not working. clearly not working.

i received so much encouragement, to keep going. but i just didn't feel like i was suppose to. i tried to not think of sending them back to school as an option. but i couldn't, it seemed like the only way out. i didn't see homeschooling going any better no matter how hard i tried. it just didn't feel right for me or for my family.

for whatever reason, God showed me that the older kids were suppose to go back to school. i struggled feeling like i had failed them, myself and everybody else. even though i know those thoughts are not from Him, i still struggled with them. i felt like a "homeschool momma drop out". (cute name i gave myself, huh?)

i gave it a try, it wasn't a good fit for our family right now. maybe one day it will be, but right now i know it is not. so joshua and jordyn started school last week. monday was their first day. it was a tough day, but it felt right. finally something was clearly feeling right.

sometimes i think back and i wonder why He called me to homeschool and then quickly called me to not homeschool. i have no idea why He did that. perhaps i never will. sometimes i question if i heard His calling for me to homeschool correctly, maybe i got that wrong from the beginning. i just don't know.

but i do know this and i have to keep this at the forefront of my mind, if i didn't hear Him clearly that is ok, because i am clearly seeking Him.

and that is what most important. i am seeking Him, even if i misunderstood or if He quickly changed the plans He had for me. He is in control and only He knows the plans He has for me. in the uncertain times, the confusing times and the times when i feel He has gone silent, i stand firm and rest in the fact that He is in control of my family and my life. only to Him will i give the glory.

"for I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."
jeremiah 29:11


Robinsonfam said...

I know what you are feeling, I dealt with the same thing not to long ago. God did lead me down this unhappy and scary road and what I got from it was amazing. My realtionship with God, my husband and my children was strengthen so much. I believe God sometimes allows certain things to happen, to change you into the person he needs you to be. You may not see it now, but I promise in the end you will. It took me over 2 years to see what his final plan was for me and my family and let me tell you, it's AMAZING! I pray for you soon too see the reasons. You should be proud of yourself in seeing God's change in direcion for your life and not fighting it.

Terri said...

Oh, Dawn, bless your heart!!!! Yes, you are clearly seeking HIM, and you were also moving in the direction that your husband wanted. All good. Sometimes, I think the Lord wants to see our obedience (and wants US to see that we ARE obedient). Even when our steps seem haphazard, the important thing is that HE is the one directing them! Yay for your obedience! He has a plan, for sure. I know you will keep on seeking it and Him!!! Blessings!

Candice {The Beautiful Mess} said...

dawn. i can TOTALLY empathize. i won't go into the long drawn out details...but know that you aren't alone...and admitting that we may have misstepped was ALL part of God's plan for teaching us. SO powerful.

Jess said...

oh my friend.

i could have written this post word-for-word two years ago...i struggled SO much with guilt when we stopped homeschooling because i felt this VERY CLEAR call on my life to homeschool my children for their entire lives...then...it just didn't work. in spite of great cur, good books, encouraging friends...

i finally realized that maybe i didn't miss Him. maybe you didn't either. maybe there were things you learned in this summer and those weeks of hsing that He will use...

thank you for your transparency...miss you and love you,


Jacki said...

Wow Dawn, what an experience you have been through with this homeschooling issue! I am glad that you have gotten to a place of peace over the situation. I too have struggled with the homeschooling issue. When Sydney started Kindergarten, I was called to homeschool her for a season. We were in Canada for 3 months, I home schooled the entire time. It was one of the hardest seasons of my life. I really though that I could do it. I had an Associates degree in Early Childhood Education, I've worked in the teaching setting for 5 years, I thought it would be a breeze. I was so way wrong. There were many days that I lost it, I mean really lost it. I saw a side of myself that I never knew was there. Sydney, like your two, were extremely difficult and ungrateful for what I was doing for her. I really think that the wall would have been more positively responsive to me. If my best friend hadn't been there with me to take her and reinforce what I was doing... will I do not know what would have happened. But, we made it. She learned the basics and was able to transfer to the school setting pretty smoothly.
What did I learn through all that? How to rely on God through my emotional breakdowns. I really realized that I was allowing my emotions and how I "felt" control my actions and responses instead of relying on God to see me through. His grace is sufficient for me. There could be more, and I pray He revels it when the time is right.
Loved how you shared, "It doesn't matter if I heard Him clearly, what matters is that I am clearly seeking Him. " That is so true, and an amazing reminder that we sometimes miss the mark, but it is our heart and our desire to follow God that He sees. How good He is at correction, and loving and patient to guide and work with us. Thank you for sharing!
Jacki Ramkissoon

Brad said...

I actually may have been the only one that said that if it didn't work out, that that is okay. It has to work for you, the kids, your marriage, and your family. There is absolutely no failure in hearing from Him that it was already time for a change. I am proud of you for listening, and not worrying about what others would think! Now that's obedience!

Colleen Corbett said...

Dawn, I was accidentally signed in under someone elses account. I'm Brad. oops!

Christy said...

Dawn... that is OK. As another person said... sometimes the Lord just wants to see us walk in HIS steps, to follow HIS lead, and to be OBEDIENT. That you were... you have walked in HIS steps, you have followed HIS lead, and you have been obedient. Similar to Abraham, when the Lord called for him to bring his son as a sacrifice. I am sure that Abraham was thinking... 'you have got to be kidding me, this is my child, one that I have put my life into and reared... you must be joking!' Despite his humanness, his wanting to walk the other way and just tune the Lord out, HE walked, followed, obeyed... and the Lord rewarded him for doing so with the ram. What an amazing thing to do... to sacrificially follow the Lord's calling and leading. He will absolutely bless you for your obedience. All He wants is a willing heart that will be obedient. In the end... that is just what you are! :)

Don't think you have failed... because you haven't. Homeschooling isn't for everyone... and sometimes it's just not the right time. Maybe the Lord will call you to try again at another stage in life... or maybe He won't. I am sure you will know.

hugs to you hon!