the past six weeks have been a whirlwind around here. i have barely been able to come up for air. and i think i am ready to write about what has been taking my breath away.
do you remember when i wrote this? remember i told you not to ask me about homeschooling? it's ok for you to ask now, because i can give you a clear answer that i wasn't able to give before.
i feel like it was yesterday that i told you about my insecurities, fears and frustrations with homeschooling. things got a little better after writing that post and i was so encouraged by your comments, phone calls, texts and emails. i really felt like it was going to work for us.
but, um, well, it just hasn't.
it was really hard for me to admit that what i thought God had called me to do, wasn't what He was calling me to do anymore. does that make sense to you? it really didn't to me. i must say every once in awhile i still wonder if i heard Him right when He called me to do this. because why was i feeling like He was calling me to do something different already??
i was really struggling with homeschooling my older kids. they were being difficult, to say the least. and i felt like the little kids were suffering too. i just wasn't getting the balance and i felt like i was losing my mind and worse yet, losing myself. i kept trying and trying. i would wake up each day with a new outlook and then by the end of the day i was exhausted and miserable.
it just was not working. clearly not working.
i received so much encouragement, to keep going. but i just didn't feel like i was suppose to. i tried to not think of sending them back to school as an option. but i couldn't, it seemed like the only way out. i didn't see homeschooling going any better no matter how hard i tried. it just didn't feel right for me or for my family.
for whatever reason, God showed me that the older kids were suppose to go back to school. i struggled feeling like i had failed them, myself and everybody else. even though i know those thoughts are not from Him, i still struggled with them. i felt like a "homeschool momma drop out". (cute name i gave myself, huh?)
i gave it a try, it wasn't a good fit for our family right now. maybe one day it will be, but right now i know it is not. so joshua and jordyn started school last week. monday was their first day. it was a tough day, but it felt right. finally something was clearly feeling right.
sometimes i think back and i wonder why He called me to homeschool and then quickly called me to not homeschool. i have no idea why He did that. perhaps i never will. sometimes i question if i heard His calling for me to homeschool correctly, maybe i got that wrong from the beginning. i just don't know.
but i do know this and i have to keep this at the forefront of my mind, if i didn't hear Him clearly that is ok, because i am clearly seeking Him.
and that is what most important. i am seeking Him, even if i misunderstood or if He quickly changed the plans He had for me. He is in control and only He knows the plans He has for me. in the uncertain times, the confusing times and the times when i feel He has gone silent, i stand firm and rest in the fact that He is in control of my family and my life. only to Him will i give the glory.
"for I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD,
"plans to prosper you and not to harm you,
plans to give you hope and a future."