just don't ask...

a school bus just went by our house and it didn't stop here to drop off my kids. school started today in our area and my kids were not there. i've read lots of back to school posts from other blogging mommas with cute pictures but we didn't take any. there are no backpacks to unload, no 500 forms to sign and send back to school. no stories to hear about their teachers or their classmates. instead today we went to the waterpark and held on to the last few days of summer. but they are slipping away fast. and the reality that i am going to homeschool is hitting me harder than ever.

even though my kids' previous school started a few weeks ago, it really didn't hit me until today that my kids are not going back to school. really, they are not. let me say it again.

my. kids. are. not. going. back. to. school. oh. my. gosh.

what have i gotten myself into? i keep asking myself why did i make this decision to homeschool? i keep questioning the call God placed on my heart. maybe just maybe i misunderstood what He asked of me. maybe?

over the last few days, i've been asked about homeschooling. a lot. i have to force myself to hold back the tears. my husband told me that i should post on my twitter: just don't ask me about homeschooling right now.

seriously, it happened today, when i was asked about it. i can't even talk about it because i feel like the flood gates will just open up and i will begin bawling like a baby. a sweet friend of mine asked me at church the other night if i was ready to start. immediately, she could tell that i was going to break down. at first, she tried to change the subject so i wouldn't cry. but instead she offered encouragement. and i was able to regain my composure and hold it together. she shared with me that she feels like that every. single. year. and she has been homeschooling for fourteen years. wow. i love how God puts those people into my life to be there to encourage me.

but i am telling you i feel like the encouragement is just going over my head. and it isn't hitting my heart. i feel really lonely and i am full of fear. i just don't know if i can do this or how i am going to do this. how am i going to get through each day? it just seems like too much. i am so selfish and craving that relief that most moms feel when they send their kids back to school. my two older kids, the school age kids, have been very ill behaved and ungrateful towards me and i think to myself and have voiced to others, what in the world am i doing? why am i giving up so much and why am i taking this role on as their teacher too? why can't i be like the other moms sending their kids off to school?

i wonder how and when will i ever carry on an adult conversation or go out to lunch with a friend? how do i do playdates with my friends who just have 1 child at home and i have FOUR. what am i thinking? how do i have a life? really?

in so many ways this is a huge life changing decision and i want to change my mind again. i want to take back all the things that i said about how good homeschooling can be.

i am so full of doubt. i am so full of fear. i am so full of loneliness. i just want to jump in the van and register them for school. right now. if i do it, they can go tomorrow and will have barely missed a beat. really, it is so tempting. i feel like if i send them to school such a burden will be lifted off of me. but, what's holding me back?

i just don't know what life looks like as a mom who homeschools and eats, breathes and sleeps nothing but her kids. it is one of the scariest places i have ever been. i want to run. really fast.

i didn't think i would feel this way. but i do.

just being real.


Lindsey Gallagher said...

Aww, Dawn... You can do this!! Remember what Pastor Steven taught us... Fake it 'til you feel it. I keep having to tell myself that with so many little things in life and right now with the first day of school (tomorrow I actually start teaching...). You're not alone! I'm sure you have and in the future can talk with Erin H.

My sisters and I were homeschooled for 2 years. I was in HS and they were in middle school/elementary. Give each day over to the Lord before you set your feet on the ground. It does wonders for your day. :)

melanie said...

Dawn, you are obviously feeling overwhelmed right now, and while I don't have any wise words drawn from homeschooling experience, I would like to offer these words. Take one day at a time. If this is truly what you feel is the best for your family (even with some doubts as to HOW it will happen) all you need to do is get through one day. Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe it will, but the next day might be better. After a while a week will pass, than a month, and then a whole year. But for now, think of it in smaller chunks and day by day.

Erin said...

Wow i give you big big props for homeschooling. I am sure it will be a lot of fun and just some work in the beginning.

another question . . Need anything for home schooling.

bet the water park was fun :)

Anonymous said...

dawn...i am so sorry you are having such a hard time right now. i know what you mean, because i was feeling so overwhelmed about homeschooling when it came time to make a decision for max and kindergarten. it is such a hard choice to make! we ended up sending him to school this year, and he loves it, but there are still plenty of doubts floating around in my head about whether or not i made the right choice. i think i will have to reevaluate this decision each year and be willing to make a change at any time. i'm sure kate could offer some good advice because she started homeschooling with 4 kids and 2 who had been in school before. wish i could help, but just wanted you to know you are not alone and i will pray for you. hope you get it all figured out and start to feel better soon!

Robinsonfam said...

Dawn, I will pray that God will give you peace in what ever you decide . Just remember, only you know what you can and cannot handle and you have so many people that love and care about you no matter what you decide:)Your a good mom and I know you only want what's best for those kids.

Melanie said...

Praying for you Dawn! I know the Lord will give you the grace and strength each day to rise to this challenge He has set before you!
The LORD himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Deut. 31:8
"Be strong and courageous, and do the work. Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD God, my God, is with you. He will not fail you or forsake you until all the work for the service of the temple of the LORD is finished. 1 Chron. 28:20

Stephanie said...

It will be ok. Wait to you get started. Things are always scary before you start them. And if it isn't the best choice for your family, it is ok. I won't ask - but if you want to talk about it or need some ideas, I'm just an email or phone call away.

Terri said...

I just read a letter from a dear friend who voiced many similar doubts prior to leaving on a mission trip (her first ever at 60+ years old!). She started reading scripture that had the word fear in it and the enemy was defeated. I am praying for you!!! Blessings.

Christy said...

Dawn, just remember if this is what the Lord placed on your heart... HE WILL GIVE YOU THE STRENGTH to do this. HE will SUSTAIN YOU... HE will LIFT YOU UP!
YOu can do ALL THINGS through CHRIST who give you STRENGTH!

Love goes out to you,

4torock said...

No lie... I was typing up a similar post.... for me my first year I was soo scared to tell anyone my feelings if having a bad day or feeling like a failure because I thought, "they already think I'm crazy why tell them that I'm really scared to death and some days feel it might BE better if my kids were away from me!!" lol Now I realize - ALL us HS mommas feel like this.....
I am on a roller coaster this year too - part of the reason I am not starting school till end of sept! I truly believe the devil puts up all his defenses and ways to defeat what we know is true in our hearts and I will pray for peace and understanding in the next few weeks ( no only for you but for me- as I still need to organize and plan!! lol) I luv ya girl and I am so blessed to have more of my friends this year joining me on the awesome ride of homeschooling! xo Hope we can all get together soon !

Colleen Corbett said...

Dawn, I give huge props to all the home school Mom's out there, because I can openly admit that I could never do it. I also openly admit that I am a better mother because I get a break from my kids. I know somebody is gasping at this comment right now, but at least I am keeping it real. I'm not even a stay at home Mom.Some people are meant for certain roles, and some people are not. Give this experience your very best. If you feel it's hindering your parenting or your ability for 'me' time, or your marriage, then you can make changes, and don't feel bad about it for a minute. I remember you writing a very positive post on home schooling. Print that bad boy out and post it somewhere. Push through girlfriend!! You can do it!