a school bus just went by our house and it didn't stop here to drop off my kids. school started today in our area and my kids were not there. i've read lots of back to school posts from other blogging mommas with cute pictures but we didn't take any. there are no backpacks to unload, no 500 forms to sign and send back to school. no stories to hear about their teachers or their classmates. instead today we went to the waterpark and held on to the last few days of summer. but they are slipping away fast. and the reality that i am going to homeschool is hitting me harder than ever.
even though my kids' previous school started a few weeks ago, it really didn't hit me until today that my kids are not going back to school. really, they are not. let me say it again.
my. kids. are. not. going. back. to. school. oh. my. gosh.
what have i gotten myself into? i keep asking myself why did i make this decision to homeschool? i keep questioning the call God placed on my heart. maybe just maybe i misunderstood what He asked of me. maybe?
over the last few days, i've been asked about homeschooling. a lot. i have to force myself to hold back the tears. my husband told me that i should post on my twitter: just don't ask me about homeschooling right now.
seriously, it happened today, when i was asked about it. i can't even talk about it because i feel like the flood gates will just open up and i will begin bawling like a baby. a sweet friend of mine asked me at church the other night if i was ready to start. immediately, she could tell that i was going to break down. at first, she tried to change the subject so i wouldn't cry. but instead she offered encouragement. and i was able to regain my composure and hold it together. she shared with me that she feels like that every. single. year. and she has been homeschooling for fourteen years. wow. i love how God puts those people into my life to be there to encourage me.
but i am telling you i feel like the encouragement is just going over my head. and it isn't hitting my heart. i feel really lonely and i am full of fear. i just don't know if i can do this or how i am going to do this. how am i going to get through each day? it just seems like too much. i am so selfish and craving that relief that most moms feel when they send their kids back to school. my two older kids, the school age kids, have been very ill behaved and ungrateful towards me and i think to myself and have voiced to others, what in the world am i doing? why am i giving up so much and why am i taking this role on as their teacher too? why can't i be like the other moms sending their kids off to school?
i wonder how and when will i ever carry on an adult conversation or go out to lunch with a friend? how do i do playdates with my friends who just have 1 child at home and i have FOUR. what am i thinking? how do i have a life? really?
in so many ways this is a huge life changing decision and i want to change my mind again. i want to take back all the things that i said about how good homeschooling can be.
i am so full of doubt. i am so full of fear. i am so full of loneliness. i just want to jump in the van and register them for school. right now. if i do it, they can go tomorrow and will have barely missed a beat. really, it is so tempting. i feel like if i send them to school such a burden will be lifted off of me. but, what's holding me back?
i just don't know what life looks like as a mom who homeschools and eats, breathes and sleeps nothing but her kids. it is one of the scariest places i have ever been. i want to run. really fast.
i didn't think i would feel this way. but i do.
just being real.