i was thinking about my last several (more than that probably) posts, they haven't been really deep or full of insight or even transparency. lately, i have had a hard time expressing how i have been feeling in my writing. i think it is because i have been feeling drained. i am so physically exhausted. i am also emotionally exhausted.
when i started feeling sick with this pregnancy, everything around me began to fall apart. i feel like i have become bad at everything. a bad wife, a bad mommy, a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad volunteer, a bad child of God. just bad at everything. i haven't been able to keep up with anything. my house is a total disarray, it is unorganized, cluttered and messy. and on top of that, my prayer life and quiet time has been few and far between. quality time with my kids and husband pale in comparison when i could have the option of falling into bed or onto the couch. playdates, girl's nights outs, get together with friends are irregular. phonecalls and visits to family are rare. volunteer work is way behind. i just can't keep up. i feel like i am failing miserably. jamil says i am being way too hard on myself. but i can't help it.
i can't help it because this is not who i am, usually. under normal circumstances i am on top of things, i can maintain the balance of my life. but not lately and it is driving me crazy. i like to have complete control over my life and it is out of control right now. and i don't know when i am going to regain the energy and strength to clean up the mess i have made.
when i say mess, i am talking more than the messy house. i feel like i haven't spent quality time with my kids. lately, i haven't been speaking life into them. i haven't enjoyed their little selves. i haven't read a story or let them do an art project in some time now. i haven't taught them much of anything but that mommy is sick and doesn't feel well right now. they know this very well. so well that jordyn prays for mommy every single night. without fail. i feel like i am causing such damage to them. again jamil says i am overreacting. and i know where he is coming from. my sweet children are not neglected, unclean, or hungry. their basic needs are being met. and we have been able to take advantage of my spurts of energy and had a few playdates and park days.
jamil and i are overdue for a date night - in fact we are so overdue we could use a date weekend! i haven't the energy to plan a date night. why calling one of our babysitters to come over is such a big deal, i don't know, but it seems to be. i just don't do it when i think of it and then the weekend hits and it is way hard to get a sitter last minute. at night, when he is home, i can barely make it through a movie or a tv show without feeling sick or feeling tired - so i usually bail and go to bed. and then there is that list of things that need to be done for our household that he has asked me to do for weeks now and they just aren't getting done. jamil really doesn't expect much from me and he asks me to do very little. but i got the hint the other day, when i was feeling better i announced i was going to start spring cleaning this week, i was going to do a room a day and just thoroughly clean, organize, shampoo carpets, disinfect. his reply was why don't you start with the laundry tomorrow - and i looked at the 4 loads of laundry which had made a permanent residence on our two new chairs. i agreed.
i feel unmotivated and exhausted. i feel drained. i just want to feel like myself, i don't even know who that is anymore. i have two friends that have told me the hardest part of having four kids is the pregnancy. they both told me once the baby gets here i will feel so much better. i really hope so, because right now i am scared to add another child our family in this state.