i was thinking about my last several (more than that probably) posts, they haven't been really deep or full of insight or even transparency. lately, i have had a hard time expressing how i have been feeling in my writing. i think it is because i have been feeling drained. i am so physically exhausted. i am also emotionally exhausted.

when i started feeling sick with this pregnancy, everything around me began to fall apart. i feel like i have become bad at everything. a bad wife, a bad mommy, a bad friend, a bad daughter, a bad sister, a bad volunteer, a bad child of God. just bad at everything. i haven't been able to keep up with anything. my house is a total disarray, it is unorganized, cluttered and messy. and on top of that, my prayer life and quiet time has been few and far between. quality time with my kids and husband pale in comparison when i could have the option of falling into bed or onto the couch. playdates, girl's nights outs, get together with friends are irregular. phonecalls and visits to family are rare. volunteer work is way behind. i just can't keep up. i feel like i am failing miserably. jamil says i am being way too hard on myself. but i can't help it.

i can't help it because this is not who i am, usually. under normal circumstances i am on top of things, i can maintain the balance of my life. but not lately and it is driving me crazy. i like to have complete control over my life and it is out of control right now. and i don't know when i am going to regain the energy and strength to clean up the mess i have made.

when i say mess, i am talking more than the messy house. i feel like i haven't spent quality time with my kids. lately, i haven't been speaking life into them. i haven't enjoyed their little selves. i haven't read a story or let them do an art project in some time now. i haven't taught them much of anything but that mommy is sick and doesn't feel well right now. they know this very well. so well that jordyn prays for mommy every single night. without fail. i feel like i am causing such damage to them. again jamil says i am overreacting. and i know where he is coming from. my sweet children are not neglected, unclean, or hungry. their basic needs are being met. and we have been able to take advantage of my spurts of energy and had a few playdates and park days.

jamil and i are overdue for a date night - in fact we are so overdue we could use a date weekend! i haven't the energy to plan a date night. why calling one of our babysitters to come over is such a big deal, i don't know, but it seems to be. i just don't do it when i think of it and then the weekend hits and it is way hard to get a sitter last minute. at night, when he is home, i can barely make it through a movie or a tv show without feeling sick or feeling tired - so i usually bail and go to bed. and then there is that list of things that need to be done for our household that he has asked me to do for weeks now and they just aren't getting done. jamil really doesn't expect much from me and he asks me to do very little. but i got the hint the other day, when i was feeling better i announced i was going to start spring cleaning this week, i was going to do a room a day and just thoroughly clean, organize, shampoo carpets, disinfect. his reply was why don't you start with the laundry tomorrow - and i looked at the 4 loads of laundry which had made a permanent residence on our two new chairs. i agreed.

i feel unmotivated and exhausted. i feel drained. i just want to feel like myself, i don't even know who that is anymore. i have two friends that have told me the hardest part of having four kids is the pregnancy. they both told me once the baby gets here i will feel so much better. i really hope so, because right now i am scared to add another child our family in this state.


Patti's Chat said...

Aw my friend! Please don't be so hard on yourself! This is a short window of time that you truly need to be easy on yourself. Really for the sake OF your family! I went 8 months in the state of exhaustion that you're in and I think you would agree my kids survived! Please take a deep breath, look around and notice that it can all be cleaned, straightened and loved on in due time.
YOU ARE A WONDERFUL, CARING AND DEVOTED WIFE AND MOTHER - be easy on yourself girl! Love you tons...Patti

steph said...

it was good talking to you today. girl,i know how hard the third pregnancy was...i can't even imagine number 4. stop beating yourself up (i know you won't!), you are still a great mommy, wife, and friend!! oh if only i was there, we could go get coffee or five guys or shiki or...whatever you're currently craving! love you and miss you!

Jenny said...

I hate that you are feeling this way. Don't be so hard on your self. You deserve to rest and relax and take it easy during this time! Know that I am thinking of you and will be praying for you. Hugs!!!!

Robinsonfam said...

I haven't talked to you in a while but something told me to leave a comment. I was SO sick the first 14 weeks of this pregnancy. The Doc.put me on the same meds. as you. I got so "blah" and just "down" feeling, I just couldn't do anything. I felt like a bad everything. Oh, and my house out of control. I had a few goods and ALOT of bad days. Then one day I woke up and felt like a new person! I was almost to excited to even say it b/c I thought it might go back to the way it was. It didn't, and I am 27 weeks prego. I feel back to my "old self", just exhausted. The time will come and the way you feel now will be a blur. If you ever need a ear to listen give me a call.

Welcome to Kimber's blog! said...

Hi Dawn, I just stopped by to see what was cookin in your world. I certainly feel for you and remember similiar days. I was sick through all of my pregnancies, start to finish and felt tired a great deal during those years.
The Lord knows the mother that we will be long before He created our families and added each unique part. You have what your children need and are part of who He is designing them to be. One of the biggest trip ups I found was comparing myself to other moms. I had to realize that I was designed to be uniquely me, and increasingly equipped to raise kids that would carry many of the same gifts, traits and callings. You are invited into the world of grace. Kick the accuser in the teeth, jump up into God's big lap and let Him love on YOU and reaffirm that you are His precious girl. He has everything under control. In the scheme of things a dirty house is nothing! Soon you'll be holding your beautiful baby and it will be worth it. Love to you! Kimber