my feelings of being overwhelmed with maintaining our home brought me to this question to which i asked my husband, "is this what it is like to have a big family? am i to except the fact that not everything will get done and everything that is done will quickly be undone?" after crying (sobbing) about what i did do today and how it still looks like i have done nothing, he told me that he thought this is probably what it is like to have a big family. he asked me what my friends experience. and i told him i didn't really know because the friend's that i am the closest to and who i spend the most time with are friends with one or two children. i am the one who has the most children right now. (although with this baby boom, two of my friends will have 3 kids each just like me in a matter of months!) anyway, so i told him i feel a little lonely because of this - i am the one sailing into unchartered waters first, my friends quickly sailing behind me. but at this time i am the one who they are probably going to look to for navigation and honestly, i don't think i will be the best sailor to guide them. i really feel out of my league and a little alone. i don't feel like i know what i am doing most of the time. i feel like i am trying and the house is literally falling down around me. and that my kid's behavior is just getting worse and i feel lost and helpless.
i still wonder sometimes where that handbook is that we were suppose to get upon delivery of each new life. maybe i will receive it this time around, maybe it comes when you give life in bulk - like to 4 or more kiddos.
so, i am praying for strength during this incredibly hard season of life for me. i am praying for wisdom and guidance. i so desire to build our family on such a strong foundation, it is just really hard when the heart of the builder feels so broken, so lonely and so beaten down. i know that God is the only one who can lift me up out of this feeling of helplessness. i pray that he will do that for me and that he will bring some mentors and some friends along the way to help me so i can help others. i feel like i am suppose to lead my pack of friends who are about to become mommies of a big family and i have no idea how to lead from the middle of the pack - when i am barely surviving myself.
God knows. God will equip me. until then, i am just hanging on and relying on Him.t