4.22.2008

not leading the pack....

my feelings of being overwhelmed with maintaining our home brought me to this question to which i asked my husband, "is this what it is like to have a big family? am i to except the fact that not everything will get done and everything that is done will quickly be undone?" after crying (sobbing) about what i did do today and how it still looks like i have done nothing, he told me that he thought this is probably what it is like to have a big family. he asked me what my friends experience. and i told him i didn't really know because the friend's that i am the closest to and who i spend the most time with are friends with one or two children. i am the one who has the most children right now. (although with this baby boom, two of my friends will have 3 kids each just like me in a matter of months!) anyway, so i told him i feel a little lonely because of this - i am the one sailing into unchartered waters first, my friends quickly sailing behind me. but at this time i am the one who they are probably going to look to for navigation and honestly, i don't think i will be the best sailor to guide them. i really feel out of my league and a little alone. i don't feel like i know what i am doing most of the time. i feel like i am trying and the house is literally falling down around me. and that my kid's behavior is just getting worse and i feel lost and helpless.

i still wonder sometimes where that handbook is that we were suppose to get upon delivery of each new life. maybe i will receive it this time around, maybe it comes when you give life in bulk - like to 4 or more kiddos.

so, i am praying for strength during this incredibly hard season of life for me. i am praying for wisdom and guidance. i so desire to build our family on such a strong foundation, it is just really hard when the heart of the builder feels so broken, so lonely and so beaten down. i know that God is the only one who can lift me up out of this feeling of helplessness. i pray that he will do that for me and that he will bring some mentors and some friends along the way to help me so i can help others. i feel like i am suppose to lead my pack of friends who are about to become mommies of a big family and i have no idea how to lead from the middle of the pack - when i am barely surviving myself.

God knows. God will equip me. until then, i am just hanging on and relying on Him.t

3 comments:

Jenny said...

I tagged you!

Lacey said...

HI! I am friends with Emma and I have been checking your blog and enjoy reading it - it is linked to Emma's!! Anyway, I understand completely where you are. I have five children...and am definitely the only one of my friends with a large family. And yes - I think having a large family means less gets done around the house and less STAYS done around the house!!
I would love to chat sometime - my blog is sunshineismyquest.blogspot.com!
Lacey

gina said...

it gets SOOOO much easier after the baby is born, just ask kelly h. she will tell you the same thing. the hardest part of four...is now!!! i know that seems backwards, but now is when you need help. it is so much more manageable later.