as a wife and a mom, i don't feel like i accomplish much of anything in a day. i pretty much see a lot of my days as "failures". i have this list of stuff to do everyday and it never gets done. and that makes me feel like i am failing. i am not accomplishing anything. many of the things on my list have been there for weeks and weeks. and it isn't like i am not doing anything, it is just that everything i do gets undone. i mean everything. a task is never completed in my life as it is now. i have a very driven personality and thrive on getting things done. when i feel i have accomplished something, i feel productive and like i have a purpose.
i have been out of the "workforce" pretty much since joshua was born, which was over seven years ago. that i do not regret. jamil and i made the choice best for our family, which was for me to be at home with our children. i question that choice only when it comes to the financial decisions and positions we have been in and are it. but that is the only time i have questioned it. we have learned a lot and we have sacrificed A LOT. when i think about that i feel like we haven't accomplished much of anything financially. our position stays the same. frustrating to say the least.
being a stay at home mom for some reason hasn't seem to fulfill my need for accomplishment. maybe because what i do every day gets undone by three sets of little hands. laundry is never completed, we are always digging through the basket for clean socks and underwear, hey, at least they are clean. there is a never ending trail of toys around our house and when they get picked up they are never put away where i'd like them to go. as soon as i vacuum or mop something is spilled and i have to do it all over again. the dishwasher is always full with no room for more and just as i have it cleaned up, i cook another meal and there is another mess. there are always bills to be paid or arrangements to be made, and as soon as they are taken care of another one comes in. my basket of paperwork is always full, as soon as it is clear, the mail comes in or the folder from school is unloaded. the calendar is always packed with parties, practices, lessons, meetings etc. and just as soon as the gas tank is full, it disappears again. my point in saying that is again, everything i touch gets undone. it doesn't stay completed. and i find myself frustrated every single day.
up until the summer of last year, in addition to my life as a mom, i always have had something on my plate to organize, plan, conquer, strategize and be challenged by. when we left our previous church in may of last year, we stepped down from a staff position (which was jamil's but i was his untitled and unpaid "assistant" pastor) as well as volunteer positions (notice the plural there b/c i mean more than one for real). for several years, i coordinated a mops (mothers of preschoolers) group. it was a challenge and it really was a part time job. it kept me quite busy. and that combined with assisting jamil, plus all the other stuff i volunteered for, i was over the top busy. i felt a sense of accomplishment over those several years.
over the last several months, i haven't had these types of responsibilities on my plate. i think God removed them from me for a reason. i think that he wanted me in a less busy state so that i can focus more on Him. and honestly, i have been able to do that. i have been careful in what i say yes to. i also say no a lot more. i have been intentional about the balance in my life. but yet i am stil not feeling a sense of "getting the job done"
so i sit here thinking i need something more to do. i think that but have the fear of becoming too busy. or maybe it is the fear of disobedience. didn't God already take those areas that caused too much disruption to our family, didn't he take them away from me for a reason? but for some reason i feel the need to add something else, something that perhaps i can do and it will stay done.
so it has come to this place for me. what i think i need is a sense of accomplishment in the things that i already do. the things God has put in my path. i don't need more. i just need to pray and ask him for an attitude of contentment for what is on my plate. i just need to pray that God will show me how what i am doing right now is accomplishing something. and that adding something more isn't the solution.
i need to learn how to thrive in the areas that he has given to me already. i need to spend some time looking at how i can be more intentional in those areas i am already committed to. i need to think and pray over how i can be more intentional in the relationships he has placed in my life, my husband, my children and my friends. i can also look at the commitments i have made outside of my friends and family and how can i use my gifts to be more intentional in those areas. adding something won't fill this void. only He can fill this void. only He can show me how to feel accomplished in what He has already given to me.